Happiness Is No Endgame

Hi There,

A well-meaning neighbor recently offered an unsolicited prediction while we were trapped in a mini-hostage situation (an elevator ride).

“You’ll see, you just want your child to end up happy.”

You get a lot of comments like this when visibly pregnant. I smiled politely, happy that we’d reached my floor.  Her words reminded me of all the time I feel I wasted in life pursuing happiness. It also reminded me of four questions that turned my “waiting to be happy” into a life happily lived.

When I pass along advice to my soon-to-be-daughter, it’s going to be these questions. And I’m sharing them with you, too, in this edition of The Dialogue.

In-Person Coaching & Taping Back This Fall

After taking a brief hiatus from teaching to have a baby in September, I’m excited to announce that I’ll be back in person (and online!) starting the week of October 10^th.

• Get on the waitlist for In-Person Classes at the new studio in Midtown Manhattan, click here.
• Get on the waitlist for Online Classes click here.

COVID-19 safety measures are in effect for all In-Person activities, and proof of vaccination is required.

Be well,

JC

But what does that phrase mean? Like bad acting, it’s too general.

I can’t say the exact moment I made the realization, but one day it hit me: I wasn’t happy. I was pursuing the idea of happiness. Rather than trying to live a happy life, I was waiting for happiness to happen.  Or just as bad, performing actions that I thought would eventually make me happy. It kept me running in circles trying to get somewhere you can’t. Happiness isn’t a place: it’s a temporary state of experience.

And if that state ends up based on external validation like booking a role or getting good reviews, happiness will forever exist at the whimsy of good things that happen because of something someone else did.

This is a recipe for misery.

As a coach, I’ve watched this play out with clients countless times. Here are some familiar patterns:

“I’ll be happy when I get an agent.” —> Actor signs with an agent = Happiness.

Then it’s radio silence from the agent. Agent + No Auditions = Unhappiness.

“I’ll be happy when I get in the room.” —> Some auditions happen = Happiness.

No bookings come of these auditions. Auditions + No Bookings = Unhappiness.

“I’ll be happy when I book something.” —>Some bookings happen = Happiness.

The role is cut in the edit, or appears off-camera, or… Bookings + Unmet Expectation = Unhappiness.

This pattern, left unchecked, continues throughout an actor’s life. It explains the emptiness so many creatives say they feel after winning an Academy Award. It’s “what’s next?” syndrome.

In a career where you can spend more time trying to get a job than doing the job, this “pursuit of happiness” will make you miserable. It’s never about what’s happening now: it’s about what’s missing, and what could happen later.

What Makes You Happy? I’m Fulfilled Doing…

I’ve found the key to enjoying life is less about pursuing happiness, and more about leading a fulfilling lifestyle. It starts by asking good questions to get clear on what we want from life, and then holding ourselves accountable to find daily practices that involve those things. It’s uncomfortable. I’ve caught myself literally defending myself to me in this process. Old habits die hard.

Here are four questions that led to big breakthroughs for me, and still do when I feel lost.

1. What moments in my life stand out? And what was I feeling before, during, and after?

Here’s where the whole pursuing-happiness myth starts to unravel. Because during a lot of my stand-out moments, happy is one of the last things I felt. Nervous? Yes. Vulnerable? You bet. Uncertain? Damn right.

And happiness did exist—temporarily. Usually after the effort, and after a bunch of other emotions. Before happiness there were nerves, stress, and often tedious work bringing me to the edge of my capabilities, surfacing feelings of “not good enough”.

Reframing where happiness fits into these moments makes one thing very clear: it isn’t happiness we’re after; it’s fulfillment.

As a creative, you know how often a project leads to heartache, stress, tears, hope, enthrallment, and joy. It’s not a steady state of contentment; it’s a process.

Sometimes the process is miserable. And that’s okay. Feeling good is temporary, doing good lasts a lifetime.  In untangling these standout moments, I realized that it’s not the momentary happiness I’m after, it’s about feeling involved in the entire process that gets there. And that led me to ask…

2. When do I feel most engaged?

You know those moments when you’re fully invested in an activity or a conversation, hours pass, and you realize you haven’t stopped to eat or blink?

I love those moments. Those moments happen when we’re fully engaged in what we’re doing.

It’s possible to be more fulfilled while engaged in a process we create ourselves rather than focusing on achievements that can only happen through someone else’s control. Once I took stock of when I personally felt most engaged, and built a life staying present in those moments, the pursuit of all these other “achievement milestones” faded.

This made me invest more in how I spend my days rather than in what instances of success might give me a temporary state of happiness. And from this point, one of the biggest questions that changed my life emerged…

3. What does a Tuesday look like in this life I’m trying to create?

It’s so easy to dream about the highlight reel: booking the perfect role, signing with the agent, or seeing your face on the big screen.

These are the Saturday night moments. And they’re fun! But they’re fleeting. In a great year, you might have four or five of these moments. The rest of the time, it’s the Tuesdays. The everyday. And since the everyday is where you’re going to spend most of your life, you want to make sure you find engagement and fulfillment in those days.

This will look different for everyone. I know an actor who makes regular dance classes, gardening, and writing computer code her lifestyle. For you, maybe it’s a regular scene study class, writing a novel, and spending weekends with your favorite people. I don’t know. Each of us is different!

I know it took time to figure out what this meant for me. But once I did, the tiny details all added up to a day in which I wanted to take part. Investing in those moments suddenly seemed a clear way to build my fulfilling life.

4. What is the story I want to tell with my life?

It’s easy to get mired down in the hustle of landing an audition, booking the next project… and while these are all wonderful moments, I know you didn’t start on this path to say one line on a television show. Something bigger drew you to this craft.

Every day, we’re writing our life story. How you spend your time, your Tuesdays, your attention – it will all add up to the story of your existence. Your impact.

What matters to you? Write it down. Find a way to live that story. Every. Damn. Day.

And when you inevitably find that life is difficult, or frustrating, or tedious, refer to your answer on this question. Is it still valid? And are you really involved in telling the story you want to tell?

Stop Pursuing Happiness, Start Leading A Fulfilling Lifestyle

These questions helped me to stop looking for external sources of happiness. They forced me to show up for myself in a more fulfilling, albeit sometimes exhausting and maddening way.

They helped me get specific about who I want to be, create a plan for daily action, and execute those actions so that happiness stopped existing as an uncertain destination. Instead, I now embrace a lifestyle that brings me joy just by maintaining it—leaving achievements as bonus experiences that, yes, bring happiness… but aren’t necessary in order to live my happy life.

I encourage you to explore these questions for yourself… and find your own life happily lived.

This is a company that’s managed to create excellent on the regular. Even more fascinating is how original their films are each time out.

In Creativity Inc. the Co-Founder and President of Pixar, Ed Catmull, explores his 20-year journey leading a team of creatives and how they tackled the difficult tasks required for crafting Oscar-worthy animation. It’s a great guide to managing creativity: your own or as part of a team.

My favorite takeaways:

• Craft is what we are expected to know; art is the unexpected use of our craft.
• …failure is a manifestation of learning and exploration. If you aren’t experiencing failure, then you are making a far worse mistake: You are being driven by the desire to avoid it. And, for leaders especially, this strategy—trying to avoid failure by out-thinking it—dooms you to fail.
• Originality is fragile. And, in its first moments, it’s often far from pretty. This is why I call early mock-ups of our films “ugly babies.” They are not beautiful, miniature versions of the adults they will grow up to be. They are truly ugly: awkward and unformed, vulnerable and incomplete. They need nurturing—in the form of time and patience—in order to grow.
• Always take a chance on better, even if it seems threatening.
• As director Brad Bird sees it, every creative organization—be it an animation studio or a record label—is an ecosystem. “You need all the seasons,” he says. “You need storms. It’s like an ecology. To view lack of conflict as optimum is like saying a sunny day is optimum. A sunny day is when the sun wins out over the rain. There’s no conflict. You have a clear winner. But if every day is sunny and it doesn’t rain, things don’t grow. And if it’s sunny all the time—if, in fact, we don’t ever even have night—all kinds of things don’t happen and the planet dries up. The key is to view conflict as essential, because that’s how we know the best ideas will be tested and survive. You know, it can’t only be sunlight.”

Purchase on Amazon:
http://jamiecarroll.me/creativity-inc-amz

Purchase on Barnes & Noble:
http://jamiecarroll.me/creativity-inc-bn

Purchase from an Independent Bookseller:
http://jamiecarroll.me/creativity-inc-indy

Or, check the stacks of your local Public Library.

In each episode, one of the hosts surprises the other two with their guest. What ensues is often a hilarious and candid conversation with some of the biggest names in entertainment, sports, and politics.

Some (of many) favorite episodes so far:

• Maya Rudolph
• Zach Galifinakis
• Tina Fey
• George Clooney
• Ron Howard

Filled with behind-the-scenes stories and a peak into the work habits of some of the most creative folks working today, each episode of Smartless is like spying on a private conversation with some badass folks.

Located on the edge of Hudson Yards and the Garment District in Midtown Manhattan, the new coaching space is close to all forms of public transportation. It’s also literally around the corner from the recently re-launched Drama Book Shop.

The waitlist is currently full through October. To get on the list, click below.